Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
