We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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