I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
