I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
