remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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