WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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