Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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