I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
