Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
