I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
