we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
