i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
