I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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