His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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