He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
