I wish I could punch you in the face.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize