Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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