Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
