Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
