just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
