Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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