Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
