The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh god it's open bar.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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