Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize