Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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