I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
