I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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