I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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