I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
