Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
