thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
why is half of my head shaved?
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