felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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