He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
