The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
