Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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