I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
