I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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