what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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