Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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