Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
