Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
