alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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