We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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