Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
