my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
