her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
