How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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