the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
