dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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