I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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