Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize