literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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