Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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