If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
