I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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