she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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