I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
