My hand turned me down
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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