it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
