A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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