the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
