I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
