I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
