dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
