Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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