alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
